If it's funny try and understand
by AozoraNoShita
Summary: Alfred and Lovino go on the worst first date ever. It turns out okay. Pre-Romerica, human AU. Rated for swearing.


Heyyyy it's me with a short ficlet that is NOT an update to the nearly complete college au I have! Wow I bet you're all excited. Um. This is for conflicted-in-wonderland over on tumblr who prompted "The two are set up on a date with each other. The date is pretty bad at first but they eventually warm up to each other" for the second Romerica Exchange and then never got the fill. _Contains sexuality and orientation headcanons in a major way!_ Which I would love to discuss if you drop me a message. Also likely contains spelling errors because I know I saw at least one homonym misspelling but then I lost it. Hope y'all are doing well.

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 **If it's funny try and understand** by AoNoShi

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Alfred hovered by the door. "Okaaaaay. I'm going, then," he called.

"Okay, have fun," Matthew replied, not even looking up from the newspaper he was perusing.

"Yep. Fun. I will be having. As soon as I walk out the door. Or, uh, when I get there. For the date."

"Sure will."

"Yeeeep. Fun."

"Mmmhmm."

There was a split second of silence and then Alfred dropped to his knees and clung to the doorknob, going for dramatic and pained but not overly whiny. "I don't wanna goooooo, don't make me! C'mon Mattie!"

"Oh my god Al, stop whining!" Well, failed the 'not whiny' bit. "It's just a date, it'll be fun, you'll like each other, and...whatever. Probably."

Alfred gave his brother a flat look. "That was totally convincing and inspiring, bro. Especially that whatever at the end there, you should be a motivational speaker. Wow."

Matthew pointed firmly at the door. " _Go_."

With a heaved sigh, Alfred jumped back to his feet and trudged out the door. He closed it softly behind himself because he was the bigger man here and wasn't about to slam it just because his brother was an asshole and deserved it. He stood just outside the door for a moment, hands on his hips, and glared at the front yard. It needed mowing.

"Just _go_ already, Jesus Christ! You big baby!" The exasperation was clear even though the voice was muffled now. Alfred kicked backwards so the door rattled in the frame loudly before he flounced off the doorstep and towards his bike. He was _not_ a baby.

He stopped and stared at the bike for a second, too, but quickly donned his helmet and hopped on when he saw a flash of movement at the window. As he started down the street he made sure to hold one hand up and flick his brother off, grinning ruefully when Matthew returned the gesture and yanked the curtains shut.

 **MEANWHILE**

Lovino picked idly at his nails while his idiot brother scurried around the room with a pile of clothing in his arms, occasionally switching out a shirt for one in another color and a pair of pants with some tighter jeans. Feliciano was babbling something, but Lovino had stopped listening a while ago. As he had stared at his hands, lips tight with repressed anger, he'd gone straight from yelling rage to silent fury. Feliciano was trying to fill the silence, but his tone was getting more and more warbled in the face of his brother's quiet. It meant impending doom, and he knew it.

Finally Feliciano threw the clothing pile on the bed and stopped in front of him, hands on his hips in an uncharacteristically brave stance. "And it'll be _fun_ , Lovi!"

Lovino paused, still not looking up. "Fun," he repeated. "For who? For me? For the poor idiot you've set me up with?"

"For _both_ of you! Really!" He insisted when Lovino finally snapped his gaze up to meet his eyes. "Just because...Nothing will ever happen if you don't _try_!"

"Maybe I don't want anything to happen! I don't want to try!"

Feliciano started to tear up and Lovino groaned. "If I thought that was true I wouldn't have set it up, Lovi. I promise. I get it, you know." His voice was strained and, yep, he was probably going to start crying if Lovino didn't escape soon.

" _Do you_? Flirting with girls is one thing but when it comes down to it I'm not...well. It's not really " _romantic_ ," is it? " He finished the sentence muttering, dropping his eyes back to his hands. " _You_ don't have this problem."

"Looooovi." His brother grabbed his hands tightly and made him look up again. "I promise. This will go well. And if it doesn't, I promise I'll stop meddling, okay?"

Lovino snorted. "That'll be the day." But he squeezed back briefly before disentangling their hands and standing up. "Okay, what's this outfit you picked out for me?"

 **A BIT LATER**

Alfred leaned against his bike, considering the cafe. Not a bad place for a first date setup. Not too cheap, not too expensive. Good selection of food. Not burgers, which Francis had told him not to 'spring on a potential romantic interest, _mon dieu._ ' Nice decor. Yeah, he could do this.

He saw Feliciano walking up to the door and raised an eyebrow. Feli was the one who'd set him up on this blind date...maybe he'd come to tell him the whole thing was off? God, he hoped so. He opened his mouth to call out to him only for the person who was most definitely _not_ Feliciano to make eye contact and the words died on his tongue, leaving him gaping like an idiot.

Oh _shit_ , that wasn't Feli. That was _Lovino_ , the scary older twin he'd heard so much about but never actually met. Surely Feliciano wouldn't do this to him? Lovino gave him a thoroughly unimpressed look and went inside, apparently unaware that the blubbering idiot in the parking lot was going to be his date...Or at least, was supposed to be but now Alfred was right back to strongly considering the possibility of running away and never showing his face again.

"Oh God, Feli why would you do this to meeeee," he whisper-yelled to himself. He turned around in a circle several times, filled with nerves and dread. This was _the brother_. The lady-killer. The firecracker. The guy who'd beat the shit out of the frat boys who'd yelled slurs at Feliciano when he started dating his boyfriend Ludwig. Alfred was not prepared for a _normal_ date, much less one with Lovino fucking Vargas.

Who had seen him staring like a dumbass in the parking lot. And was probably waiting for him. With no idea who he was. Or worse, he knew exactly who he was and hadn't considered him as the potential date he was meeting.

Alfred tried to control his breathing. He was already going to be late, shit. Oh god. He considered calling Mattie for a bailout but his brother was probably with Gilbert by now. And Mattie didn't really _understand_ , how could he? What with him and Gil going at it like rabbits whenever Alfred was out of the house...Ugh. He made a face.

Okay.

Not thinking about it, not thinking about it, not thinking about it. Not thinking about the sex thing, not thinking about the awkwardness, not thinking about the twisting nauseating nervousness in his stomach. With this mantra repeating in his head, he squared his shoulders and marched towards the door of the cafe.

 **AND THEN**

Lovino picked a window seat so he could stare at the idiot in the parking lot, who, while admittedly pretty hot, was now spinning in circles and making weird faces at nothing. Incredible. He sighed and debated whether or not to go ahead and order. He'd made sure to show up five minutes late, minimum, to set the tone of this whole thing, but it looked like he was the first one here. He wasn't sure whether he should be pissed off or relieved, so he decided he'd pick which when the guy actually showed up.

There was a sudden loud clang from the kitchen, then a whole lot of shouting, more clanging, and then ominous silence. Unnerved, Lovino stared toward the kitchen door. A frazzled looking waitress emerged after a few minutes. "We're closing!" she screeched, making all the patrons jump. "Everyone out!" Nobody moved for a moment, unsure whether she was being serious. "The cooks all quit! At the same time! Fuuuuck my life!" Each exclamation was made with increasing volume and ire. By the end, people were scrambling for the door.

Blinking, Lovino stood slowly. Well. This solved the date problem, didn't it? Couldn't wait for this guy if their meeting place was closed. What a shame. A smile grew on his face as he walked to the door. Some poor idiot had gotten stuck holding it open for everyone leaving. Lovino was the last person out, but apparently the person holding the door failed to notice him and tried to step in at the same time Lovino tried to step out. They collided.

"What the _fuck_?" Lovino demanded even as he caught himself and regained his bearings. Oh, it was the guy from the parking lot. And he looked mortified.

"Lovino!" he squeaked. "Um..."

How does this guy know my name? Lovino thought for a split second before it dawned on him. Oh _no_. "Are you the guy my idiot brother set me up with?" he demanded, scowling.

"Yyyyes?"

"Was that a question?" he asked pointedly. He hated when people wouldn't give straight answers to simple questions. _God_ this was going to be awful.

The other man winced. "No. I'm Alfred."

Lovino stared at him in disbelief. His brother had set him up with the burger bastard that Antonio was always complaining about? _Really_? Could this get any worse?

 **AND ALSO**

Alfred considered running again when he opened the door and a tide of people came pouring out. Lovino was not among them, leaving him to conclude that his being late for the date had caused the Italian to go on the rampage and threaten everyone inside. He sucked in a breath and stepped forward to face his doom, only to run straight into the last person coming out, which of course turned out to be the man himself. Of course.

Then Lovino guessed who he was, and he considered running again at the look he was being given. He answered hesitantly when asked if he was the date, only to be subjected to the "Was that a question?" question that had been the bane of his existence in high school because all his teachers were dicks and didn't try to accommodate learning disabilities. At this point his survival instincts were screaming at him to run for the hills, and only the thought of Feliciano's disappointed face and Matthew's exasperated one were keeping his feet in place.

"Look, just, move back okay?" Alfred started scrambling backwards as soon as the suggestion left his lips. This made the door, which had been propped open against his back, start closing again. Lovino's arm shot out and caught it before it could whack him in the face. He gave Alfred a look but mercifully didn't say anything.

Then they were standing awkwardly on the sidewalk together.

"Cafe's closed," Lovino told him shortly. "We'll have to do...something else."

Well, he hadn't called the whole thing off, at least. That was good. Probably. Possibly.

"Uh, we could take me bike. Except, no, I only brought the one helmet. Um." He cut himself off before he could babble any more.

"My brother dropped me off. Either we walk, and I will point out here that these shoes are way too nice to do much walking in, or take your bike and one of us forgoes the helmet."

Alfred immediately started shaking his head. "No! No way. Traffic rules are very important, we can't do that." The idea of Lovino being that close, pressed together on the bike, made his nerves worse than they already were, which he hadn't thought possible.

Lovino gave him a disbelieving look and made an aborted movement with his hands like he'd been about to throw his arms up in frustration. "Okay. Fine. Walking. Somewhere with food because there'd better be _some_ fucking reward for putting up with this." He started walking. "Anyway. Let's just do this. You're in university still, right? Wow."

Alfred's stomach churned. What kind of reward was Lovino expecting? Oh God. Yet somehow he ended up stumbling after his irate date, trying to maintain a solid two feet of distance while staying close enough for the required first date introductory conversation. Which was stilted and awkward because, jeez, was Lovino _trying_ to be a dick about everything? What kind of date was this? He really would have been better off staying home.

 **ON THE OTHER HAND**

Lovino was trying to maintain his composure but Alfred was making it hard. That 'traffic rules are important' line was such obvious bullshit, and that plus the way the asshole was practically jumping away any time he got within arms' reach let him know pretty obviously that Alfred was scared he was going to molest him or something. Unbelievable.

He was also carrying pretty much the entire conversation, throwing out the typical first date questions and providing short answers to those same questions about himself. Alfred contributed basically nothing, never answering with more than three sentences and never asking any question himself. Also he wouldn't look directly at him, constantly looking around like he was seeking out the best escape route.

 _Yeah, me too_ , Lovino thought sourly. His words became more clipped and more frustrated as they continued down the sidewalk, and there wasn't even a goddamn Starbucks in sight. Where were those omnipresent monstrosities when you actually wanted one? Eventually they were just speedwalking down the sidewalk, not talking, not looking at each other. This was _not_ a date, even Lovino knew that much.

He stopped.

Alfred kept walking, seemingly unaware that his so-called date was falling behind him. Lovino rolled his eyes. "Oi!" He reached out and grabbed Alfred's arm, only for him to jump away as if electrocuted and turn to him with wide eyes.

"I'm not sexually attracted to you!" the blond blurted out.

Lovino spluttered. "Ex _cuse_ me?"

"I'm not sexually attracted to anyone! And! And! Dates never really work out once I mention that but I _have_ to mention it because otherwise people have _expectations_ which I don't think is fair but it's awful when I have to tell people this, I hate it, and I appreciate that Feliciano tried to set me up with someone anyway but I'm pretty sure I'm undateable, oh my God I'm going to stop talking now." They stared at each other for a moment until Alfred whimpered and cast his eyes heavenward. "Kill me."

"I'm not romantic," Lovino offered, hesitant.

Alfred snorted. "Uh, I noticed?"

"Shut up, idiot, I'm trying to say something! I mean, I _can_ be. Romantic. But it takes. Uh. Time."

Alfred opened his mouth to say something, then closed it again as he seemed to take this in. "You're...demiromantic?"

Lovino felt a physical pang of relief at hearing the word said out loud by someone who wasn't himself. "Yes! And you're asexual?"

Alfred actually grinned. Lovino guessed he was probably feeling something similar. "Yeah! Oh my God."

Actually, the smile was pretty nice.

"I mean, y'know, just because I'm not sexually attracted to you doesn't mean I don't have eyes. It's not like you're not beautiful, because, I mean, _wow_ , aesthetically you are just...Haha. Wow."

Lovino raised an eyebrow. "I already knew both of those things."

Alfred actually laughed. "Well if you still want to. Uh. I can work with demiromantic. Do you want to get pizza?"

Lovino smiled back at him. "Now you're speaking my language." He hesitated, then offered his arm. "Shall we?"

Alfred linked his arm through his gingerly. "We shall," he agreed, almost shyly, but still grinning.

 **AND SO**

"No offense but your brother is kind of an idiot. Like he couldn't have just said something? To explain? Instead of just us figuring it out on our own and starting with the most embarrassing date I've ever been on?"

"None taken, I understand completely where you're coming from. Fuck, this is good pizza. We should come here again."

"Ooooh, Mr. Vargas, asking for a second date already?"

"Shut up. Idiot."

But it was said fondly.

 **THE END**


End file.
